Reset Password
If you've forgotten your password, you can enter your email address below. An email will then be sent with a link to set up a new password.
Cancel
Reset Link Sent
If the email is registered with our site, you will receive an email with instructions to reset your password. Password reset link sent to:
Check your email and enter the confirmation code:
Don't see the email?
  • Resend Confirmation Link
  • Start Over
Close
If you have any questions, please contact Customer Service
Dirty Little Secrets?
 
Here are some of my tales from this cumslut 4 all you other starving members to enjoy... I HOPE YOU DO!
Keywords | Title View | Refer to a Friend |
My Most Memorable Vday Moments
Posted:Feb 14, 2010 5:10 pm
Last Updated:Jan 26, 2011 4:47 am
52161 Views

I saw a thread on the AL this morning, and I started to answer it but had to go- so I cut n pasted part of my answer so I could cum back and finish the job

Here's the most memorable Vday I ever had- a tale I hope you enjoy....

One of my most favorite Valentines Day 'Sex'periences was a few years ago, when I was first dating my Xhubby Jay.

I had only had my at this time, and he was spending the day and night with my parents, so Jay and I could have loads of time to ourselves alone.

Before he came over I had set everything up by the bed. Sweet almond oil, and my small wooden box of various essential oils, with a few of my favorites lined up neatly in front of it. Sparkling white wine in a bucket of ice cubes, 2 of my best wine glasses next to it, with just a few cinnimon hearts sprinkled in the bottoms of each glass. More wine, blush in the fridge for me, and red on the counter top for him, sitting next to a platter of strawberries, grapes, orange slices, pineapple and melon. With a whipped fruit dip in the middle bowl of the lazy suzan holding our bounty of goodies. a small chocolate fondue pot next to the bed, and grated chocolate sitting next to the pot on the stove, waiting for him to arrive...

As Jay entered the door, I latched on to him, filled with lust and love, kissing him deeply in the door way.
As I said before, this is before I had my second and I was what Jay liked to call, 'pick upable' and he swooped me up in his arms, as wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me over to the kitchen counter top.

He looked around at the goodies laid out around us and smiled, "Is this for me?"
"Uh huh" I blushed as he was kissing me gently on the head.

He went over to the trays and began to nibble.
"There's more..." I told him as I grabbed his hand and lead to my bed, which was nothing more than a mattress on the living room floor at the time. I had a loft and we loved to hang out down there in front of the gas fire place, watch movies and play.

As we rounded the kitchen, and he could see the oils and wine set out, i began unbuttoning his shirt from behind his back.
"Oh baby..." he sighed with a beaming smile, looking straight in my eyes as he turned to face me again.

I looked deeply into his and said, "today is your day baby, it's all about you, and I'm gonna spoil you rotten!" and I kissed him while pushing his body down onto the bed.

As I stradled his now bare chest, I poured him a glass of 'sparkling' leaving the hearts in the bottom of his glass. The reaction of the cinnomon and the wine made a cascade of foam, which poured over the glass, and I happily licked off his chest for him as I giggled an embarassed "Oppsies" at my mistake...

"No, That's alright" Jay said with a seductive smile.

I placed his glass on the table, and grabbed an ice cube from the bucket next to it. Brought the cube to my lips and licked it, while looking into his eyes. I placed it on his lips and he licked it right back, I smiled. It was fun playing these games with him. He always knew how to follow my lead just right.
I glided the cold cube from his lips, to his jaw. From him jaw down his neck, over his clavical bone to his chest, as he shivered with cold excitement. I brought it down to his belly button and circled it a few times, just enough to let if fill with melted ice water, and then I lowered my head and lapped it up
I placed the cold cube in my mouth, and opened up his belt and jeans, lowered his pants to his waist, and lowered my face to his meat.

I used my lips, to touch it gently, as I held the cube in my mouth as to not freeze him right away. Then I spit the ice cube into my hand and just let the warm inner flesh of my lips, move wetly over his entire member. He was throbbing and making it move, I was so excited to see he was having fun, so I used my warm hand to hold his cock upright as I placed my lips on the tip and plunged him past my warm lips, through my cold mouth, and into the hot tightness of the back of my throat.
He groaned...

"Holy shit!" he said, "That felt crazy!"
"do you like it?" I asked him, with an innocent look.
"Uh HUH!" he said firmly delighted at what I had done.

I told him to sit up, so he could watch the movie and have a drink, while I was busy with his balls. "I'm gonna be here for a while, so just make yourself comfortable and have a smoke- k?"
He sat there watching the movie (I don't remember what it was) while I sucked, licked and molested him for about 45 minutes or more...

I was smart enough to take out the cinomon hearts from my glass before filling it, and I had popped them in mouth to add a spicy touch to my BJ. Between hot burning cinomon and the cold icy waves of pleasure, Jay was having a whole lotta different sensations with this one. I luved watching his reactions to the sensations I was giving him.
Burning pain.
Cooling relife.
Warm Pleasure.
It was awesome!!!

When the time for the load to be blown and he asked me where I wanted it? I told him to shoot in the bottom of my near empty cup so I drink him down with fizzy vigor.
The clod cool bubbles mixed with hot thick goo, felt sexy as hell, as I drank up every drop of my man on Valentines day.

We were beginning to get a bit hungry, so I went in the kitchen to melt the chocolate and order a pizza for us.

I brought over he chocolate in the melted pot and placed it in the fondue dish, struck a match and light the candle under the warmed molten mess. There's something about matches, a lighter is fine, but matches lend a kinda sexiness to the act of lighting things during romantic or earthy times. maybe it's all those movies, maybe it's the way it feels as you blow out the fire and see smoldering smoke come lightly flowing upwards, once the fire has been douced. But I do have a think for matches, and I try to use them whenever
theirs something special going on. And this was deffinately a special day!

I took the empty pot back to the kitchen, looking over the counter's divide at Jay, who was looking eager, as to what would come next? I came back to him baring a lazy suzan filled with fruit. whipped topping and a little wooden 'honey dripper' I call it (You know that little wooden thing they show in the honey comb commercials, with the honey dripping off the round comb like end of it- one of those) He looked at the honey dripper with a bit of fear. I think he thought I was gonna use it in a sex toy kinda way, in his ass or somethin, but when I dipped it in the melted chocolate and began to swirl it around, he looked much more calm.

I grabbed a strawberry from the tray, kissed it with my lips and brought it over to his, opening my own mouth slightly, to show him I wanted him to take a bite.
He bit the sweet fruit, covered in my tender kiss, and I took a bite of what was left and turned my attention back to the chocolate mixture, dipping that last bite of berry in to the sweet brown velvet, and bringing it to his lips.
He tried to bite at it, but I pulled it back and said, "Ugh ugh" shaking my head with a smile, "Close your eyes" I whispered as I brought the chocolate covered berry to his lips and let it just glide it's soft warmth across them.

With the wet, warmth of my tounge, I liked the mess away, he opened his mouth to kiss me, and it was them I filled his mouth berry and laughed.

I loved teasing him. And he was totally into being put in my taunting hands at moments like this where there was no pain involved, and only some slight joking around.

I reached back to the pot and got my honey dipper, cupping my hand undernieth so as not to make too much of a mess of the bed and floor, and drizzled it all over his sweet, sweet meet, mmm....

The chocolate was pure, so it was getting hard way before I wanted it too, and by the time I got my head down there, is was already set into his skin.
I tried to be sexy, lapping it up, but it was really stuck on there! So it turned out to be a bit more funny than sexy, as Jay sat there with a hard brown skid mark stuck to his thigh.

We ditched the chocolate idea, and carried on to the whipping. A beautiful soft mix or cool whip and strawberry yogurt, made a fluffy treat out of his organ.
Little dabs of whipping, placed onto his nipples using a berry, made them perk up under the coldness, and as I lavished my mouth around them, the softened again, until I would I would bite them playfully and gaze into his eyes.
I would just lay there, supporting my head on my hand, licking him chest and nipples as I cascaded my other hand up and down his thighs and abdomen, getting ever close, but never touching his cock.
He would pulse and flex it as I would draw near, just begging for my touch. But I knew if I waited, and didn't give in, I would soon be able to reap my reward. That sweet, salty, gooey pre cum, and there it was, glistening and shinning at me, begging for my mouth.

I love the taste of pre cum, and I dove right down to it and began touching my tounge to it, ever so slightly, pulling my head back and letting the soft clear strands glisten it the light of the fire place. As I would pull back and let it strand, I would close my mouth around getting tiny little hints of it in my mouth, before doing it again and again.

"WOW! I love watching do that!" he said to me.
i cocked my head to look in his eys while still licking his pre ejaculate with my wet tounge, as a siad with an open mouth as to not break my own enjoyment, "Do wha?"

Play with my cock," he replied, "I've never seen a girl enjoy it as much as you- EVER! The way you sit there and move your head, feel ever bit of it with your face and your tounge, it just makes me UGH!"

I giggled as I responded sweetly, "I just like to play, that's all"

"Mmm yeah... you just keep playing, I'm not gonna stop you. I'm just saying how much I love the way you play. keep playing baby. Here have some more." he said as he squeezed some more clear fluid out of the tip of his cock.

I squealed with excitement and with a big slutty smile on my face, dove in for more...

The door bell rang, it was the pizza guy, so since I was the one dressed, I got up and took the money from Jay's wallet and paid for the pizza. Brought it over to the bed and went to adjust the fire place to make it a bit warmer, cause it was kinda cold.
The dial for the fire place was way down at the bottom of the grate, so I'd have to get on my knees, lift up the panel and adjust it manually, because I didn't know how to it from the wall.

Jay didn't mind, in fact he preferred my method, because every time I went to change the temperature in the room, he always enjoyed the view.

Wearing a short little skirt, with no panties mind you, It was crazy how fast I found him pouncing on my ass.
Licking his hand and wiping my pussy with the thick goo from his face, he prepared me for a nice hard pounding from behind.

Jay's always been an ass man, and I love getting it from behind, so we have some amazing sex as he pounds his cock inside me deep and hard, giving vaginal orgasms time and time again.

I've had sex with a lot of guys in my life, but there's something about Jay, that's just amazing, I can't explain it? Maybe it's his size, his curve or his technique- I dunno? But from early on in our relationship I noticed that he can do things to me that no other man ever could.

As he pounds into me, just right, I get the most amazing tingles in my arms, neck and head. My face goes almost numb, and he hits me right in the top so good, my mouth begins to salivate as a feel myself cumming all over his cock. Mmmm....

This is why I dubbed Jay, "My perfect fit' and to this day, there's no man that can make me feel that way, that often, like he can.

After eating our pizza and watching another movie, just laying in each others arms. we were feeling a bit tiered. So I figured a nice massage and some aromatherapy would lighten our tummies and relax al our tensions before bed.

I had Jay turn on his tummy and I made a special blend of oils. It's so long ago now that I don't remember what exactly I used in it, but going by the types of oils I keep on hand and the effect I was trying to gain in the moment, my guess would be that I used a combination of grapefruit, manderin orange, ylang ylang and rose geraminum, in the sweet almond base, with a hint of lemon grass, for that extra clean, yet calming scent.

Grapefruit is a stimulant, a super way to ease body bloating and fatigue. Orange oils are 'happy oils; they uplift the spirit and highten pleasure receptors, the slight spice of a manderin orange lends an extra exotic flavor to the blend. Ylang ylang is sexually stimulating to the male counterpart. Rose is a soft seductive scent as well, with calming properties, but since pure rose is wildly expensive, rose geranium is a cheap substitute. Almon oil is rich in texture and has a slightly sweet aroma, it's lipid qualities are simllar to that of the body, as is an excellent choice for massage. And lemon grass is crisp, with out being over baring like lemon itself, its gentler but still produces the stimulation of lemons properties, to awaken the mind and the body.

I blended the oils and warmed them in my hands, rubbing them vigorously to heat and activate their various properties. Placing my warm hands on his back, gliding them gently across, to cover him in sweetness, because I was at the same sitting, pantyless, on his bum. Using the weight of my body to apply firm deep pressure to my hands, he could feel me lifting up and down on his ass cheeks, with ever sway of the motion.

I too, could feel my arousal increasing with each lift of my bottom, I could feel my own juices start to flow. Out of my lips and onto his bum, every time I would lean into my hands at the top of his shoulders, pressing into the sides of his neck, I could myself getting more and excited.
I think he could feel it too, because it was't long until he turned himself around and felt between my lips, the utter pond I had created, just from touching him, and lusting after his hard muscular body.

He undressed me. pulled my shirt up over my head, took one hand behind my back and undid my bra, holding me gently as he lowered me to the bed. Pulled my skirt across my hips, down over my thighs and off the tender ends of my toes. He leaned across my body, grabbed my cup full of oil and drizzled it all over me from head to toe.

it was cold and my body shuddered, he looked at me sheepishly and said, "sorry"
"That's ok" I assured him.
Andhe used his hands to rub the poils all over me until I was glistening in the fire light.

Thick, sticky and covered in oil, I laid there as he lowered his body on top of me and kissed me with such passion, while at the same time pressing his weight across my greasy skin. It was so slick. the feeling of oil between bodies, I could feel every blug and muscle on him. Especially the big bulging muscle down below.

With the oils and my wetness, he didn't even use his hands to find the entrance, he slid it around until he came upon my welcoming warm hole.

we made a mess of the bed that night, and on many other occasions as well. But thisa was my most memorable Valentines Day and I hope you remember it too.

ttys
*kisses*
Pam
4 Comments
Silly lil' Wiener
Posted:Feb 13, 2010 9:06 am
Last Updated:Mar 8, 2015 11:19 pm
47267 Views

I really don't have much to say, nothing's really changed since the blog entry- I'm still feeling blah, still hurt and still confused as to what will happen next...

But I did have a bit of fun last night, nothing kinky, just plain silly

I was sitting at the dinner table with Jay, he had come to pick to up our for the weekend as he usually does, and i was eating a raw cold wiener while we were talking about whatever...

He was watching me putting the cold bit of meat in my mouth, getting wayy more excited than he should have when he started getting hard and begging me to go down on him while the were upstairs playing video games.

I have to admit I was a bit annoyed by his request, I wasn't in the mood AT ALL, which is rare for me, so I had an idea that would teach him a lesson, to be such a pain in the ass, begging for sex all time

I started to suck my wienie, and lick it, the way I do with a cock. Taunting and teasing him, "Yeah baby? Is this what you want?" and so on. Getting him more and more excited with the tease...

I told him to just sit back and close his eyes, and I'd take care of him right there in the kitchen, so he did, with a great big smile on his face too.

I was feeling so wicked and totally wanted to make a fool of him. So stood up slowly, walked closer to him, with wiener in hand. Grabbed the back of his head all sexy, like I was gonna kiss him or somethin and....

Started banging my cold wiener all over his face, cock slapping him!

He was soooo grossed out!

I chased him all over the house, banging my wiener on his ass, his face, his forehead, anywhere I get a clear a shot!

we wrestled and laughed. He said he felt so violated- it was too funny

Ahhh... I LUV being a geek

So yeah that was fun, and I just had to share my little bit of silliness of you all and wish everyone a BIG Happy Vday 2morrow

ttys
*kisses*
Pam
4 Comments
Introducing..... *drum roll please*..... My NEW BF!!!!
Posted:Jan 21, 2010 4:59 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2012 6:02 pm
49511 Views
I realize I said before that I wasn't gonna give my heart to anyone else, but I just couldn't help it!

One look into those deep brown eyes & he had my heart melting instantly

You know the look I'm talking about- those big puppy eyes all women fall for Well I AM a woman, and I'm only human, so there was no resisting him- not that I wanted too

I couldn't believe that I actually drove 1&1/2 hrs, just to pick him up too.

I can honestly say I've never done that for ANY Man EVER!!!

But as I scruffled his ears with my hands, he licked my nose and it was truly LUV at first kiss Ahhhh....

What's that you say? He licked my nose?
YEAH! He also pranced around like a cute little show pony, wagging his adorable lil tail for me too

Nooooooo- It's not a MAN!

It's my newest lil sweetheart & Very Best Friend, my little Puppy, Puggsly

He came home tonight and he's such a sweetie guys, you gotta see him!!! Such a good boy too. He likes to sit with me as I rub his little belly and he actually falls asleep right there in my arms like a baby He snores when he sleeps too, which just so cute, with his little puggy nose.
Already he's peed on the paper, first time- no accidents.... yet


I've had a really busy day, so I'm off to bed now, but I'll be back soon- k?

ttys & Gnite
*kisses*
Pam
4 Comments
Puppy LUV
Posted:Jan 20, 2010 5:46 pm
Last Updated:Jan 21, 2010 4:42 pm
48225 Views

GUESS WHAT!?!

We're getting a brand NEW Puppy 2morrow

I'm sooo Excited!!!!


It's the cutest lil thing too a 9 week old Puggle (part Pug & Part Jack Russel, but it looks more like a Pug)

Me and the have been Puppy Proofing the house ALL DAY 2day, getting ready for our new bundle of Joy

We've already picked out his name:
Daniel Puggsly Sebastian

Daniel- after Daniel Radcliff, we're HUGE Harry Potter fans
Puggsly- because he's a Puggle
Sebastian- well.... let's just say it's kinda a fmily name and leave it at that- k?

But OMG I don't know if I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight, with all the excitement EEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, I'm such a sometimes

Sorry I haven't been on here much today, but that's why- I've been busy getting everything ready 4 Pugz.

OMG & I'm gonna be so bad with him too!!! I'm gonna spoil him with treats, toys and little cloths and stuff I wanna get him a black leather jacket and biker hat, with all the zippers and chains He's gonna be my little 'tough guy' Grrrrr....

I'm not sure if we can post pix of animals on here- can we?
God knows I don't wanna get in trouble again, but I hope we can!

Already I've gotten him a little puppy paw print steel water dish, some squeeky toys, a new bed, a paw print eating mat & a new Army print collar (but I'll get him a studded one soon enough- 4 my little rambo- lol)

*jeeze*

I'm so excited, I can't wait!

ttys everyone
*kisses*
Pam
3 Comments
HOLY SHIT!
Posted:Jan 18, 2010 1:01 pm
Last Updated:Jul 6, 2012 11:24 pm
50771 Views
YEAH!

After literally months gone by, numerous calls to CS & another makeshift profile deleted- I'm Finally Back!

WOW It's been far too long since I've seen some of you, about 400 or so, did find me on the new profile- but that was gonna leave nearly 7000 people outta my life

Some of you have stuck by me through and thin, you know who you are and you know how special you are to me, each and every one of you- I HOPE

Well seeing as it's my 1st day back with my Good ol'Fukcdoll Profile- how about some NEW VIDS I've been cooking up while I was away?

Lemme see what I got in my box here- k?

ttys
I Missed Ya SOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!
8 Comments
A Sneak Peek at Club Fukcdoll
Posted:Aug 28, 2009 5:43 pm
Last Updated:Aug 29, 2009 1:34 pm
50009 Views

Holy Shit!
The Party's 2morrow and I'm going outa my mind over here

I'm excited, nervous, scared and a bit over whelmed by it all to tell you truth

I always get nervous meeting new people. I never know what they're gonna be like, but what's more nerve wracking, is what they're gonna think of me?

Sometimes I don't really understand why everyone things I'm so 'wonderful' you guys are so great, but I'm such a modest person at heart, I just don't get what the 'hype' is all about?
I mean, it's only me

you know it's funny, I never thought I'd have 'FANS'
I'm just a simple stay at home mom.
Yes I have my fun on the internet. Pimping dirty undies, steamy cam shows and custom videos, but when all's said and done, I'm reallly not that big a deal.

It makes me nervous to meet new people, I wonder if I'll be able to live their 'expectation' of me?
I'm 100% what and who I say I am- but even still I'm only me...

I dunnno?
Ijust had to get that off my chest, so thnx for listening.
You guys are so awesome & help me with so much in life, I only wish I could do the same in return

I have done something though, it's not actually DONE- but I thought in celebration of the weekends events, I would OPEN THE DOORS and show ya what I got- k?

If you go Club Fukcdoll and take a tour, please use the comment section to let me know, honestly, what you like or don't like about it.
I do realize I'm having issues with the video board, it's not loading right & I am having my guy look into that for me when he comes down. So besides that, what is good and what is bad?

I wanna know!

I mean I made it for all of my online friends to see my stuff, keep in touch with me n' stuff.
It's really more YOUR place, than mine.

So please if you get a chance, check it out and let me know what you think- k?

Thnx everyone & I guess you'll being seeing me on Cam soon
*wink*

Let The GANG BANG BEGIN!!!!!!!!{=}
5 Comments
OMG! T- 2 fkn DAYS!! EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted:Aug 26, 2009 6:19 pm
Last Updated:Aug 27, 2009 8:04 pm
49548 Views

OMG I'm soooooooooooooo excited about the party!

But luckilly i have a lot of things to keep my mind occupied, otherwise I'd be going NUTS with anticipation!!!

Still working on ClubFukcdoll & filling up my video area, photo gallery etc... Trying to have ot ready in time for the party or at least the 1st of the month so I can all the processing in place for the first.

You guys are gonna LUV it- there's gonna be some of the NEW VIDEOS *NEVER SEEN BEFORE* in the free area and so much more!
It's been a lot of work, but I hope everyone will enjoy what I've done & let me know too, how to make it an even better place for us to stay in touch.

Getting ready for the party though I still need to have a pedicure, facial, manicure, nails done, full body exfoliation & hydration treatment, spray tan, prepare the food, get the lube, more condoms, drinks, chocolate fountain, bubble for the jacuzzi & so much more...

There's so much to do & so little time, getting everything and myself prepared.

Like today, I spent about 20 minutes wedging in my Giant Butt Plug 'Crystal' (the one from my butt plug flick) up into my ass and masterbating nice and hard, to get myself all loosened up for the anal scenes.
I'll do that same thing tommorow, but leave 'her' in for an hour, and than switch to my suction Cock, stick it on the chair and ride it until it goes nicely and easilly into my ass, all the way down to the big ball base at the bottom, and Friday I'll do the same, Crystal, Suction Cock, and than follow with my pink double ended dong for an ass streatching. And hopefully cum Saturday, I'll be able to get that big black 'Moose Cock' in there with out too much pain?

I'm not worried about the oral, the vage, and even the anal so much- but I'm gonna try and go for the DOUBLE ANAL- If I can?
And that's why I'm taking so many extra precautions with the streatching.

I will do my Best, to do my duty, for all those who LUV to watch

Having you all watchme is SUCH A HUGE TURN ON!!! You have no idea!!!

So wish me luck, know that I'm bussy right now- but you'll all be seeing me LIVE & In Full Action Saturdasy Night- k?

ttys
Pam {=}
2 Comments
So Do You Want The GOOD NEWS? Or The BAD NEWS??
Posted:Aug 25, 2009 7:08 am
Last Updated:Sep 5, 2009 6:52 am
51929 Views
The Good News Is the Party's Still ON!!!

The Bad News Is, My alternate venue is having broadcasting Issues, So I'm gonna be broadcasting it here On MenNation.com Instead.

That may sound like GREAT NEWS For some of you, but for those who are standard members, it's not so great

I don't know why they won't let standard members view live cams anymore? I really don't think that's fair at all

So For All You Paid Members Here, be sure to tune in to my Profile August 29th and watch me geat bashed and banged by the boys- k?

And Standard Guys & Dolls, I'm so sorry that the venue didn't work out the way I planned for you

But I am working on MY OWN PLACE where YOU WILL Get to me and my goodies AT Zeero Cost!!!

I hope you'll all join me there soon- k?

I absolutely LUV to share and I was really looking forward to putting on a 'really big shoe'

But I guess this time it's just NOT in the cards

So ifyou though You'd miss it- hang on to your heads boyz BC If You're A Silver Or Gold Member, your member's gonna BLOW!!!

I'm so excited!!! happyf;

So this Saturday Tune into My Fukcdoll Profile here to view the show LIVE & tune in to ClubFukcdoll to see the clips after too

ttys
Pam {=}

**UPDATE**

The Party Will begin broadcasting sometime between 7pm- 8pm Eastern Standard Time this Saturday, August 29th!!!!

Also if you wanna little sneak peek at what I'm wearing the night of, check out my Albums On My Profile Page "New Projects & Gang Bang Gaer"
I'm gonna look like such a SLUT
13 Comments
A Time To Rest
Posted:Aug 12, 2009 11:48 am
Last Updated:Aug 12, 2009 2:25 pm
51413 Views

I just got back from the funeral & it was easier today, though not so easy- if you know what I mean?

I'm not sure what I feel exactly? Tiered for the most part & verry mellow, subdued and a bit nasious to be honest.

It was a better day for the family, at least they are nice to me again. but Jay seemed so distant and cold, nice, but not everbegging to please me self.

I think everypne's a bit messed about it, Jay's brother broke down into tears at last. As we sat there beside the grave, waiting for them to lower her into the earth, we all lost some of our composure.

It's so hard to think that I will never again have one of her hugs, not a little grasp like some[eople do; but a real heartfelt hug, filled with love and meaning. never agin see the twinkle in her eyes, never again hear her nieve laughter after she's said something sudgestive and toatlly menat to.

Never again hearing her call, "Oh-h-h Je-e-e-mbo!" to my Jay. He said that's what'll hurt him the most.
Never hear her praise the again. Or scold Jay & his brother for picking on eachother.
Never hear the story of how her nieghbours heard her and her husband having sex after they first moved in. "Keep your windows closed all the time!" she would warn, in her heavy polish accent, "you never know what the neighbours will hear!"

I'll never forget how prowed she was when Jay brought me home to meet her the first time. When she found out I could cook, bake, make pickles and jams and all that old country borsht and paska, peroggies & halabchies (which means cabbage rolls for those of you who don't know) So proud to be polsih & when she found out I'm 1/2 Ukrainian, she was so proud. "We are neighbours, Poland and Ukraine, it is the same thing really"
And I would laugh. Sure Grandma, what ever makes you sleep through the night, I would think to myself, as I shook my head.

She was proud of me and said I would make Jay a very good wife. And I did for a while, until things fell apart.
Grandma would tell me I must be patient with him, understand him and put uo with him, accept him for what he was. Buit I couldn't.

I tried for as long as I could, to hold on and make things work. I tired until I lost myself in the battle of the drink.

I fell hard into the pit of dispare and self pitty. It's been a long process to pull myself out. I'm still not quite the dynamic woman I once was. But all those baby steps to bring me back to who I once was are starting my path to the healing of my own soul.

Perhaps Grandmas death has maken me take a look at myself, the than and the now, and I can see what I am still lacking on my own journey home, to who I once was...

The strength of a family, the filler of wishes, the belivers of dreams, the vigelant prtector & a caregiver to anyone who needed it.

I see myself now as a shell of person, a fasade of who I once was & empty vessle, looking to be fillede again with life.

Perhaps Garndmas death is more to me than the dying of a body. But the death of a piece of me, in some small way?

But she is at peace and I only hope that someday I can make peace with myself and regain what I once lost, so long ago...

I'm tierd & spent. My emotions are drained and now it is a time to rest....
3 Comments
It Finally Set In Last Night
Posted:Aug 12, 2009 5:38 am
Last Updated:Aug 12, 2009 11:18 am
50739 Views

Last night was the viewing for Grandma & it all finally sank in, HARD once we got there.

The fact that I would never see her again, never hear her voice,I never got say to goodbye & I would never again feel one of her heartful hugs wraping around me and making me feel her love.

For the first hour, I was a mess. Crying hystarically, for the 30 or so minutes following, I couldn't open my mouth to speak with out breaking down in an ocean of tears once more.
I've been to many funerals, but never for someone I loved so much. Never had it ever hit so close so home. And never for someone where I'm left felling guilty and so many things unfinished.

Grandma's death is hard for me.
I loved her so very much & she was the caregiver, protecter & inspiration to my X husband Jay. When I left him, 2 years agao now, it broke her heart. And everytime I saw her, I could that pain in her eyes, and she would cry.

I promised her, when we where engaged, that I would always be there and take of him & even tough we are no longer together, I will always be there and help him in any way I can.

I stayed away from grandma, after we split up, because I knew it was hard for her to see me and know that the split was hurting her and Jay so much.
In the end, I was affriad to go and see her, as she lay dying in bed. because I as affraid of having my pressance hurt her heart & I was scared that she would make a dying wish for me to get back together with Jay, a wish I couldn't bring her, or a promise that I couldn't keep.
So again I stayed away for fear of breaking her heart.

Last night I was filled with guilt, for having gone to see her, to tell her how much I really do love her & giving her that love, when she needed it the most.
I stayed away from her, out of love- if that makes sence?

But still I wondre if I did the right thing, by doing that. Should i have gone there anyways? Should I have risked the pain for both us to tell her how much I love her? Or did I do the right thing? Allowing her to die peacfully, with out the reminder of how I hurt her family....

Yes- I feel guilty. Very much so. But I did what I thought was best under the circumstances.

Everyone there last night, got to say their goodbyes, except me.
Everyone there had sharred in the sorrow and heart ache of her illness, except me.

I felt terrible. I still feel that guilt.
Mnay of them looked at me as if I had no place there last night.
I had left Jay, broken her heart, not gone to her when she dying & now, after everything I come and break down in a million pieces...

Jay's brother wouldn't even look me for most of the night. A lot of the wouldn't. i felt badly out of place, hated and questioned by many people in the room.

But as time went on, and I gained my composure, was able to speak once more, i began to feel better about myself & the situation.

Once I saw Grandma, lying there, I felt a bit better, better taht finally after all this time, I could finallly look down on her & not see that heart ache any longer.

She is at peace.

Dispite verything in life, she is now at peace.

I mademy desision to keep my distance out of love for her. And now that it's over, it'll be me that has to deal with that desission.

Some people may not thinnk that i belong there, or that I've come back after her death to claim my piece of the inheritance, but I'm there out of love.

Just like I kept my distance out of love, I have come back to let her & everyone else know, that I really did love her too.

The funeral's today. The final closure of the chapter. I will be back working on my projects and party tomorrow, but for now I mourn the loss of most beloved Grandma & my heart hurts, knowing I feel her arms around my body again...
2 Comments
~To a Great Grandmother~
Posted:Aug 11, 2009 6:28 am
Last Updated:Aug 11, 2009 7:58 pm
48743 Views

I have never in my life known anyone more honest and sincere than you Grandma.

No matter what, you always see the brighter side of even the darkest situations

And let us know that the hard times in life, don't last forever.



If anyone knows about hard times, it is you Grandma.

Your stories of the camps and the war, just amaze me.

But the most amazing thing, is despite all that you went through,

all the many sufferings you've endured,

you still remain so positive and filled with love, that is your true gift to the world.



Your Heart.



Your love of family and of God, is your greatest treasure,

and I believe that is the one thing we will all hold on to.



Knowing how you strived to live a gracious life, in the light and love of the Lord.

I absolutely believe that you there now.

Smiling down on us, by your Saviours' side.



You're a truly beautiful woman Grandma, your smile can light up a room.



You're jokes and enthusiasm, forever make us laugh.

Your ability to always see hope and possibility in everything, inspires us.

Your purity of spirit, enlightens us,

and your always forgiving nature, humbles us.



What a wonderful woman, a true gift to us all.



Even through loosing you,

I can see you smiling and telling us all that you are stronger

and more able to take care of us from where you are now.



Always the care giver, taking care of your husband,

your , your grand , and great grand .



Now you will be able to take of us all.

Any time, any where and, I know that will make you feel more at peace.



You truly are a Great Grandmother.

Not just because you have great grand .

Because you are a Great Woman,

with a Great Heart who is loved by a Great Many People.



You will always be with us Grandma, in our hearts and in our prayers.

We can feel your love surrounding us still.

That gift of your love is something that will never fade away.





We love you Grandma
3 Comments
The passing of a loved one
Posted:Aug 10, 2009 6:35 am
Last Updated:Aug 11, 2009 6:30 am
48281 Views

Please excuse me as I grive the death of my great grandmother.

She passed Saturday at about 5pm, so I'm kinda feeling a bit blah at themoment.

The party will still be on! Live carries on and so will we all. Ijust need a few days to feel the loss and get my mojo back.

ttys
Pam
3 Comments
Wanna Watch? Join The CLUB~ ClubFukcdoll *yeah baby*
Posted:Aug 8, 2009 4:25 pm
Last Updated:Sep 5, 2009 6:54 am
51023 Views

From here on out my Gold Membership has Expiered So if you wanna watch the show, My GANG BANG Broadcast you'll have to venture out in the world and look for me- k?

I can NOT send out emails as a standard member, only relpy to those I recive, and even then only 15 or so a day, so here's what you gotta do:

GOOGGLE ME!

Go out onto Googgle and search ClubFukcdoll & you'll me and all the information you need Top Line!

I'm so sorry for the incoveinience, but this is the only way you're gonna find out where and when to catch the show right now.
2 Comments

To link to this blog (Fukcdoll) use [blog Fukcdoll] in your messages.

  Fukcdoll 42F
42 F
February 2010
Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
  1
 
2
 
3
 
4
 
5
 
6
 
7
 
8
 
9
 
10
 
11
 
12
 
13
1
14
1
15
 
16
 
17
 
18
 
19
 
20
 
21
 
22
 
23
 
24
 
25
 
26
 
27
 
28
 
           

Recent Visitors

Visitor Age Sex Date
Bbcbull81  43M2/5
lonelyazn83  41M5/15
barefan3106 59M4/3